Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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