you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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