I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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