apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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