quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
