My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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