Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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