She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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