I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
