One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
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she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
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I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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