alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
