guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
