i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are my feet made of real feet?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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