Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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