Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
