just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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