I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
