I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
