woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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