... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
