Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
