So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Randomize
