If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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