I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
