I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Houston, we have a squirter
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
