alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
tell me about the eggs
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
