for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
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