I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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