I wish I could punch you in the face.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
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Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
you had me at cake vodka
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That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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