The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
