Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
