i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize