I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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