the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
