so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Oh god it's open bar.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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