Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
