in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
