so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
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The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
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You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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