I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
