How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening