You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover