i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
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