I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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