I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Randomize
