Welp...herpes.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
