You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
