I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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