she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
