I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Sober January is a disaster.
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I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
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Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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