My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
