if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
