Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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