I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Drake has all the answers
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
