Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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