Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The uberlube is also flammable
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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