I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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