I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
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