How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He felt like a one man threesome
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
