So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
