You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Randomize
