Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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